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Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.