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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
Do angry people know about naps?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.