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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."