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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.