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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.