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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.