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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!