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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.