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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone