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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?