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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.