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SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Condoms prevent minivans.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
:): The Bipolar smiley face
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..