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I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.