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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs