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Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.