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I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)