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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
My pants are 75% off.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.