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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.