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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.