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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.