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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.