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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....