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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?