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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.