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I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.