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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?