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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"