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My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.