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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
sleep is for people without netflix
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.