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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.