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When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?