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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.