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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.