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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
It’s a status….not your diary…