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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants