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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?