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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.