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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.