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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".