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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?