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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I like people... From a distance.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...