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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!