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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.