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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?