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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."