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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.