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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.