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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.