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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime