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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
My problem is that all food is comfort food
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.