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Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.