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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I give myself the best presents.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.