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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.