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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.