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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.