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I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....