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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...