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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.