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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That