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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.