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If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?