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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
It´s never to late to be happy
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.