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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?