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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car