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363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well