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You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.