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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!