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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
The older I get the better I used to be.