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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Save water, shower together.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....