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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise