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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.