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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.