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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.