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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
The problem with diets is pizza.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.