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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
I wish I had a friend like me
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Donβt be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Todayβs Horoscope: Youβre gullible
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
you have lips β¦.. i have lips β¦β¦ interesting
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.