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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
I only accept apologies in cash.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake