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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.