Daily Silly Status

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.

Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?

"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans

Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.

I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.

If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..

I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!

I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.

Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off

If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.

The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.