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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!