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twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.