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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`