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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.