Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Care less and you’ll stress less.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?