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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.