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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.