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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I`m going to hell in every religion!
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.