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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
?-- that guy is cute ?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them