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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
That moment when being uncool, is cool
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.