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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.