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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Iām just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.