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If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.