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It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.