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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.