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During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.