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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.