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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."