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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
With great power comes great electricity bill.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch