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Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.