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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
It’s not pretty being easy.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell