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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.