Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Is there another word for synonym?
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Honk if you wanna see the finger
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.