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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*