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I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.