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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..