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Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.