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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.