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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.