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If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D