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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.