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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
High fiving was the original "like".
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet