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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?