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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.